...uncreative...

interesting friday night... our team's last game... my last game... i came to the realization that football really does matter to me even though i hate it supremely at times. our team pulled it off, we won. not only did we win but we overcame adversity... with about 4 minutes left in the game the other team had the ball and was driving down the field. they drove all the way down to the three yard line burning 2 and half minutes off the clock. if they scored again it would have been 33 to 21, thus creating a situation that we would have to score twice to win (impossible). at the time it was 26 to 21. they ran a gut on the 3 yard line (where the fullback runs the ball between the center and guard) and their fullback fumbled the ball, we recovered it. in what seemed like an eternity we drove the ball down to the 35 yard line.... with 32 seconds left on the clock.... cody catches a 35 yard pass in the enzone to put us up by one point.... our coaches were calling for us to kick it but i was telling them to go for two so the best they could do was tie it up with a field goal. they listened and we went for two and got it (now 29 26 us). our defense stopped them and we won.... not only did we win but elgin lost making us conference champs.... the first time since 1988. it is just as well they didn't have me kick that last one. it is very special for me to end the season with 21 points.... o by the way cody was the hero for catching the td pass but i was very happy because the game gave my position meaning.... their kicker missed one of his extra points and i made all of mine. so we weren't tied at the end we were up (two weeks in a row i have actually made a difference).

dave mathews band: crash.... into me...

so i guess i will write about why today is an important day for me.... it is the two year anniversary of the most defining moment in my life.... that's all i have to say about tonight. although awhile ago i heard from a third party that one of my friends believes i have become a lot more depressed and cynical since that night two years ago.... i hadn't noticed till he said something to me but i suppose it could be true (i'm really not completely sure when i became like that). although i believe i have changed and am a more positive person these days. ever since that night though i always wonder how many people at this very moment are experiencing the worst moment of their lives or are in the greatest pain they have ever been in and vice versa.... how many people are falling in love tonight or finding inner peace? it's kinda like how when i'm driving by houses with the lights on i wonder what those people's lives are like or what they are doing, watching tv? beating their spouses? masturbating? i like doing people watching too.... sitting in a busy area and watch people run about like ants.... it's interesting thinking about how many "significant" moments people have in their lives but realize you will never hear about most people's and they will just disappear into history. showing how insignificant their "significant" moments really are.... *tear*

i was reading this blog http://damanila8.motime.com/ and she wrote (i'm assuming it is a she because of the style of writing. "i hope i stay happy forever.." has a truer statement ever been made. i've never heard people say that. everyone always wishes for this or that but no not her, she wishes she'd stay happy forever... can't tell her to be careful what she wishes for. that comment made my day.

i've realized tonight that i don't have anyone to vent to... so i will become my guitar and tear it up until it sings to me

i never know what to write when i'm feeling down.....uncreative....

i think relationships waste a lot of brainpower and time ya know.... for a long time i wasn't in contact with a girl and just recently i have been back in contact with her.... i've always like her so much but i was able to mostly forget about her and now i find myself thinking about her often... too often for someone i will not be able to ever really have a relationship with. so now i can't put any of my good thoughts in here because i think about nothing else... just wasting my time thinking about something pointless that actually makes me unhappy to think about....

any suggestions on indirect ways of finding out how much you mean to someone?

because i think differently than the other highschoolers at my school doesn't necessarily mean i don't have a highschool mindset.... so do i or don't i....

it is strange when someone says something that really hits you hard emotionally and you can't figure out exactly why....

i need a really good quote so i was wondering if everyone would be so kind as to leave their favorite?

so you could say i had a pretty good night tonight... senior night... all the seniors involved in fall sports escorts their parents across the field before the game and the announcer talks about their accomplishments in highschool. Also our last home game... the team didn't play that great as a whole but with 1:20 left in the game our fullback broke 5 tackles for and ran for a touchdown thus tying the game at thirteen. basically leaving it on my shoulders... although the way i looked at it, even if i missed the PAT we would be tied and could win it in overtime. i made it though, the difference between our two teams (i made both of my kicks and the other kicker missed oneand a field goal). what can i say i felt pretty good and our team felt great.... winning our last home game *tear*.

i've noticed that people that are unhappy or depressed or what not have the mind set that no one else understands. seems as if everyone in that situation has that mindset but i don't believe that. i think everyone understands what it is like but we expect other people to help us out of that pain... give us a hand... i don't believe that people can do that. i believe that we are the only ones that can truly get us out of that dark corner, away from the pain and because no one else can help us we come to the mindset that no one else understands.

this is me writing in myblog....

while trying to read a blog... a bad song comes on the radio. i slowly reach over to the remote to change the station but because i'm still focused on the computer on knock the remote off the desk instead of picking it up. i then reach down to pick up the remote off the floor and as i do my chair slowly swivels around getting closer to the desk. when i pick up my arm, my elbow no longer fits between the desk and the arm chair so i must swivel back. unfortunately as the remote dropped the back fell off that holds the batteries and i can't reach that without re-swivelling my chair... in effect reducing the space my are has to fit between the arm of the chair and the desk... so i push on the desk in order to roll my chair back from the desk.... ahhhh but the chair is stubborn and instead of moving the desk decides to begin tipping over.... shew didn't go all the way but yes i did get up and get the remote back.... so am i really lazy because it seems to me that i insist on doing things the hard way....

lol... i just realized that alohalani put a picture of her ass on her blog and got 12 comments... lol. i find that funny and alohalani what does that say about your ass

. lol

so i'm thinking it is kinda ridiculous that drugs and prostition should be illegal... doesn't seem to make much sense. first of all if prostitution was legal the government could put regulations and such on it that the prostitutes could enforce through unions. the whole thing would be much safer and it is a victimless crime. this could might also curb some of the sexual repression in the country who knows... second drugs... they should be legalized because of all the trouble they are causing internationally by having them illegal. the gov't could raise a lot of money through their legalization that could go to the problems caused by drugs. and lastly of course it is a victimless crime (most of the crime caused from drugs would be eliminated with legalization such as the homicides caused by the scarcity of drugs). we all now how well prohibition worked so how come we haven't noticed the problem with illegal drugs?

i don't know if i'll be typing in here for awhile.. i'm having trouble typing cause i messed up one of my fingers pretty good... at least i got to hit my govt teacher in the mought.... ha ha ha, i'll leave the rest to your imagination.

ahh yes i remember what i intended to write about today.... this area i live in is incredibly frustrating... it seems as if everyone has uninformed conservative views... i felt sick today listening to my government teacher. he claims he is unbiased, and independent, yet he makes fun of people that care about the environment, he think clinton was a terrible president, and he thinks bush is great. yes of course totally unbiased. and everyone in the class sits there and listens to his preaching. there are not any liberal teachers in my school at all.... sigh.... and his dumbass remark today was "people know more about local politics than national politics" bullshit. he is also known for such great statements as "yea whenever my liberal friend starts going on and on i just say, go hug a tree ya hippie", or " yea there was this liberal in my class that wouldn't stop running his math and i was just like, shut up you homo" and yet his most famous remark of them all "reading is a waste of time". o wait i forget another dumbass statement he made today "yea the local news are totally liberally biased". hello have you ever watched the local news? i always say how i don't have a problem with conservatives that are smart and have sound arguments but the more and more i live here the more and more i believe that anyone who votes republican just don't know what the hell they are talking about, is so greedy they only care about themselves, or is very religious. but whatever, maybe i'm just close minded... sigh...

it is amazing how good work can make you feel.... accomplishing tasks... what a feeling. tonight we got a lot more of our hangout done.... it is going to be good. very cool indeed. also for anyone with good taste in the music department check out "husband and wife, the latter (damaged good)" by desparecidos. it is an excellent song.

so about my free love post.... i was thinking about that a couple days ago and i decided that my entire perspective may be completely different when i fall in love... we shall see.

she's a good girl, loves her momma and jesus too... so goes another day. what happened today? well, three tests happened today. but that is boring... hmmm i was thinking a little while ago that it is strange how often i wonder when i'll meet that special person. i'm reading herman hesse's "goldmund and narcissus" and it lead me to the realization that i've never been in love. i used to wonder about it but that shows even more clearly that i've never been in love. i suppose once you have it you know it... that is kinda sad i guess... but ya know we all spend most of our lives alone anyways so i should get used to it and learn how i can make myself the most happy.... which leads me to the thought... i realize through reading other teenager's blogs tha this "depression" we all go through during our teenager years is mostly attributed to the belief that wee need certain things to be happy, that we don't make our own happiness which i truly don't believe now. i think we can be happy in any situation if we know ourselves well enough. well that's my thought for now... i'm drawing blanks... check out the book "another roadside attraction", it's good.

so apparently democracy doesn't work... AHHHNOLD was elected from what i've read. hooray for morons. Americans have some obsession with actors as politicians, isn't that disgusting? what makes people think that they know anything about politics? he didn't even participate in any of the debates... sigh...

death is an interesting thought... i always wonder when i talk to people if it will be my last conversation with them.... funerals also disgust me... everyone talks about how great the person was as if they were some demi-god.... it's disgusting, leaves everyone with this false idea of the person, as if we all need that to prove that life is good... i want to go to a funeral where the speaker says how the person wronged other people (everyone does it) how the person masturbated (everyone does it) how the person swore and drank and then finish with "but i liked him cause he was human".

i don't think i'm using the instant messenger correctly on here... any suggestions.

after 8balls comment i was just thinking, i don't know if "life" can be taught. i think that what we spend so much time learning is very unconscious and not things that we can express to others.

i realized something the other night. so much of our time we spend figuring out life. we spend our entire lives figuring out our life. and then we die. what do the younger generations learn from us. nothing. i've learned practically zilch from older generations. al you ever hear is "ahh yes being a teenager" or " ahh yes starting to date" or " ahh yes entering college" or whatever ya know. we just learn it all on our own. older generations might be good for something like "hey, eat all your veggies" but how come they don't say "hey you will feel good if you eat good" or something like that ya know. they always say we don't listen but i don't buy that. they just aren't efficient at teaching so every life starts new and has to relearn everything that was lost in the last life. if life was like science the wisdom would be passed down and we would advance all the time.... but no i'm stuck learning the same lessons everyone else has already learned and my children are doomed to learn. just makes you ask what's the point are we getting anywhere and where the hell are we going.

everyone's a romantic....

oo another great song csny: stop children what's that sound......

she grew up with the children of the stars in the hollywood hills and boulevards..... that's a pretty song. o man.... o where o where could my baby be... geeze that is a really special song. i think i will go and try to make some music come out of my guitar...

so i went out with a friend last night to another schools homecoming dance... it was pretty boring awkward and lame but i feel good for my friend. i did it for him. we met up with his cousin and one of her friends. i was supposed to be his cousin's "date". basically so he could hang out with this other girl. i didn't care for either of them that much but they were alright. i know that greg (my friend) will probably end up dating this girl at least a little so i'm sorta torn. i can see that the two of them are not compatable(sp?) but he really needs to get out of a rut and he really wants a girl. so is it good for them to date? even though in the long run he will look back at it as a pretty stupid and fake relationship. i don't know...

so i had a pretty shitty night but i got home today and it all got put in much better perspective. last night was homecoming... it was a very bittersweet game... i played terribly but the team as a whole played very well and we won. so like i said bittersweet. everyone else was pretty pumped up and i guess they all did shit after the game but i couldn't stand sticking around.... so i just went home and went to bed pretty quickly. so this morning we lifted and ran and watched film.... my performance was just about the only negative part of the game. sigh.... so i get home today and find out one of my friends was hit by a drunk driver last night... i guess he is ok since he was the one that called me. he said he couldn't use his truck anymore though so i'm thinking his truck got fucked up pretty good. well that's the extent of my news.... o and my friends all had a great time last night. they all went to a concert and then a party afterwards. it sorta sucks to hear about that ya know when your night was so shitty. o well it def could've been worse.

i will talk about tonight when i can... some other time...

what can i say... i feel alone.... completely. incubus: so pardon me while i burst into flames.. i've had enough of this life...

lost another reeeeaaaaaalllly long blog... this is incredibly frustrating...... ok to sum up what i had to say: i believe in legalization of drugs and my friends like to be ignorant, lazy and unhappy and then bitch about all of them all the time. it scares me that i might behave the same way so i will have to be more meticulous in my self-observation.