you've made a fool of everyone

props to ava http://somedayunderground.blogdrive.com

life is crazy, i can't listen to happy music. i had a really good idea for an entry earlier today and i was going to write it down but i forgot it... so you will have to deal with my rambling about nothing, consider it an analogy of my life.

i believe the blogging community is very large and very connected.  i also believe that it is disgusting a few people in their corporate offices decide what we should like and how we should think.  so this is my proposal, a test you might say.  i want to start a trend and i would like you, yes you (don't you feel privileged) to spread the word.  this is what we are going to do, from now on whenever you say the word "cool" you must put quotation marks around the word (use your strong typing fingers when talking in person).  this is because there is no such thing as "cool" it is all a figment of our imaginations. do not forget, make it an essential part of your everyday life.  we will see if this catches on and from there we will see what we, the individuals in a large bloggin community can do.  also you must copy and past this message to pass the word on... do something easy and make a difference.  who knows where we can go from here.

will i shake this off, pretend it's all ok/ that there's someone out there who feels just lik me?

someone didn't leave their name but i appreciate the post.  yes i was hugged as a child, i was pretty fortunate kid i'd say.

so after the last post i was wondering what people thought about meeting other people that wrote in blogs... or talking to them on the phone or even text messaging... perhaps something is lost when we start doing that... a whole new dimension is added.... i have had many experiences in which i have begun talking to people online (text messaging) that i had kept in contact in some other informal way and it really had a tendency to change thing.... perhaps comparable to dating your best friend... don't want to spoil a good thing right?  i don't know what does everyone think?

 

props to http://chesterglasses.motime.com sorry ava not quick enough...

go figure my first post with double digit comments is because greg screwed up, hooray for greg.

i think if anyone that just read my blog met me in real life they would think i was much different in my blog... but perhaps not....

it's something unpredictable but in the end it's right

props to http://marbleorchard.motime.com must know your music

so this weekend was prom weekend.  the culminating event of highschool or some bullshit like that...  i had fun.  and yes i didn't dance much... some but not much... and yes i was around couples all night (although you try to avoid that as much as possible), a constant reminder of being alone... but that's life.... and i did have fun... i will miss people when i leave, lots of memories, blah blah blah... i feel really privileged to have the friends that i have because i honestly believe i could be in a lot worse situations (like the junior class) but i look forward to being somewhere that i believe it is possible to meet girls that would be worth dating... sometime last year i determined it was highly unlikely i would date anyone till college, so far so true... this entry blows

To resurrect ourselves, we disembowel our saints/ we never underestimate the/ destructive power of change

yea the whole title thing has me at a loss.  i watched this movie once, waking life, it was very interesting.  there was a part in it where there was a discussion about laziness and how everyone in the world complains about ignorance but the truth is people are just stupid people are lazy... there are so many great things people could do if they weren't lazy and often times the people that do do great things aren't the smartest, or most advantaged, they are the people that are motivated by something in their life...  i think especially in america there is a laziness epidemic and i'll be the first to admit i have contracted the disease.

there is really no rhyme or reason to my punctuation

so greg doesn't want props, no skin off my back... it is strange how there are different groups of people on motime.  they have eachother linked and read eachothers blogs...they would actually, in reality, probably all get along well ( i bet)... sometimes i make that daredevil trek into another groups blogs... it is interesting, people are interesting little creatures....

would you know my name/ if i saw you in heaven

 virgin suicides is a good book, i would suggest it to anyone... it made me sad.  i can't remember where i read it but somewhere... i read about people and the rain.  how it is strange that so many people are all hunched over and tight when they are walking in the rain, as if it was painful or something.... never really understood that,  we should embrace the rain, it is nice... if it is you who wrote this feel free to take credit... whoever you are, you wrote it much better than myself.

while growing up i thought my family was really odd, our idea of fun was playing scrabble or boggle, we discussed politics a lot around the dinner table, my mom was UU, we composted and recycled, my mom used had (and still has) a garden, we did work co-op... then as i grew up and learned more and more about other people's families i realized just how functional our family was, none of our fights were very serious, no one in our family was shunned or rejected, the strange member was an uncle that lived on the street and was often in jail because he refused to pay his taxes (money went towards the ROTC program at the local highschool) and was an activists about everything, didn't use the words he or she (made up his own word that did not discern between sexes) but the truth is he came to the big family functions when he could (every now and then a graduation or wedding and the funerals) and he was not crazy but different, intelligent and interesting to talk to in fact.  and that is the most odd part of my family.... and i guess now that i reflect on it all i'm glad, my family is incredibly functional, tolerant and good to eachother.  there are not secrets that i am ashamed of and honestly i think that is what makes my family unusual....

i keep forgetting to mention this is tv turnoff week april 19th-26th

breathe in for luck/ breathe in so deep

props to greg http://imsoboredwithme.blogdrive.com for naming the song even though he didn't put the band.  from now on that has be included to get props tsk tsk.  also only the first person to name the band and song will get props i've decided.

i would like to be able to sing while i played guitar... i can't do it yet, very difficult.  someday though... it is weird reading the virgin suicides in the spring... the goes on and on about life disappearing or ending and i get submersed in the book and then when i can't take anymore of the coldness of the book i go outside and everything is bright and blooming... weird phenomena.

sometimes i don't believe anything i write or say

fun is relative

with or without you i can't live

It's 9:00.   I am not talking to any people that I have not met before online.  It is already dark and the day has passed.  It is not like there is nothing in my life.  I am not leading an abnormal life.  In fact, my life is pretty busy.  I still don't do anything.  I sit here because there is nothing to do as the tasks pile up.  It is 9:05 now.  I don't think anything will be different about tomorrow.  The day after that will follow like the any other day.  I can only imagine that some unknown day in the future something will happen that will make that day June 20th or September 3rd instead of a tomorrow or yesterday that is forever forgotten.  Then again, perhaps that day will never come. Then I will die.  It is now 9:08.

been gone for awhile... props to ava http://somedayunderground.blogdrive.com/ and gemerald http://gemerald.motime.com for getting the songs... i would have a song tonight but the music died today, why... because my cd player died.... sigh

i could be so much more than this

i've never had double digit comments on one post... name a songs that i put in my posts and you get props

and tonight will go on forever

it is so weird how you can know about this problem that your friends have and yet you just keep on going about as if you don't know.  something that is just tearing up your friend but it is too awkward to acknowledge the problem and help them out, give them a hand.... nope we just keep on keeping on as if nothing is unusual.... which leads me to how strange it is how all these families have secrets... skeletons in their closet... as if they are ashamed of being "weird" or "dysfunctional"... and when you find out yet again we just keep on keeping on....pay no notice, turn your head away and act like you didn't see it even though everyone there knows everyone knows....

on sleepless roads the sleepless go

i don't need nobody

ok this is funny -- the night after discussing in my blog whether or not i am close-minded i am accused of being close minded... but i've thought about this a little further tonight and come to this conclusion --- it does not seem possible that two people in a "point , counter-point" arguement could actually be close minded unless they don't make any sense at all (which i have experienced before).  this is because in order to counter someone else's arguement you must think about it and come up with a logical counter-point.  so i've concluded that people that argue about things are not the close-minded bunch, they are simply opinionated (which also means they took the time to open their mind up to views in order to get opinions about them , even if it wasn't much time).  it is much fairer to accuse someone you are in an arguement with of being ignorant or have poor logic... just remember this next time you argue, you and your opponent are not close minded, he/she is simply ignorant :) also props to http://ineedagrip.motime.com for the quality understanding and quality comment on the anarchism post.

the butterflies are passive agressive

ok it really bugs the fuck outta me that the only girl that i have a slight inkling of feeling towards, is very religious, is not liberal, looks down on activism, and is insecure in a highschooly sorta way...  just had to say that.  i'm often asking myself how if i am close minded towards the conservative viewpoints because i honestly can not understand them in the sort of manner a terrorist bomber can not understand that the violence is not helping things only escalating them.... i can not begin to decipher why people are conservative instead of progressive.... and so i review all my beliefs and come to two conclusions i am either completely unaware of the world around me and am unable to comprehend things or people really are just that stupid.... now you tell me which one sounds like someone that could be committed to an insane asylum but the thing is i can not be convinced that people aren't stupid, i can not be convinced that i am grossly ignorant and close-minded... so i will continue on full force like the exact conservatives i despise who oppose gay marriage and support tax breaks for the rich... weird how this works....

it's 3 am and i think i'm lonely

ok lots of things on my mind, first the other thing i was thinking about with anarchy is that controlling other people isn't all bad, i mean how does wisdom get passed down? or lots of knowledge for that matter...  secondly bush says that we are "we're not an imperial power" he says "we're a liberating power" and apparently he is citing conviction "deep in my (his) soul".  yea sorta sounds like the crusades or colonialism to me.... anyways... i was watching a program on pbs hosted by matt damon tonight (yea that was definitely a boost in my opinion of him)... the program was talking about the struggle between the rich and the poor and how that creates political instability (violence, revolution etc etc) and that the economic problems were often because of environmental problems... and this just helped to show me the real problems with NAFTA and other programs like it ( i can't remember the other one's acronym)... these programs do not have human rights rules or environmental rules regulating US business that go elsewhere.... so you have to ask what is gained from this exactly.... they don't really help other nations develop (which in turn would be good for the US [larger markets for our products, less expenses on global problems, eventually even jobs returning to the US and who knows what else]), so my question is why does our government just allow business to go over seas?  why don't we just encourage businesses to go overseas by offering tax breaks (hell they aren't paying taxes anyways) and then have our own rules and regulations that we can inforce on those business (this way we wouldn't have to worry about bartering with other nations about the rules and regulations which could be generally very good since the United States has very highworking and living standards)  it's obvious US business could tremendously boost foreign economies and what is good for the goose is good for the gander (sp?) if you know what i mean, yea this could definitely solve a huge amount of problems from terrorism to poverty.....

bob marley - stir it up

so i was looking at anarchism tonight and the little i read about it i got this 1) it is all about not having anyone able to force anyone else to do anything 2) mutual agreement and cooperation is how things get done .... so i came to two problems ( i am trying to remember them at the moment) one is what do you do about people that do something wrong (say kill another person) because you can't just let them do that and it also goes against the 1st rule if punish them.  it was discussed that the future of those people would be determined by a jury of people or some third party ya know... which is in effect having someone force another person to do something so basically the whole anarchy thing contradicts itself in its simplest form but obviously nothing works in its simplest form so lets suppose on that one situation you have a group of people determing the "offenders" future... then who determines what grants an "offense" cause abortion for example would be something that a mutual agreement among a lare group of people could not be reached, which in effect would lead to the need for a smaller group of people deciding how everyone else will be allowed to behave (abort the child or not).... so perhaps there are some anarchist out there with solutions to this?

i look forward to the day when i don't ever deal with a girl that often makes the statement "i'm fat"....

ok i hate philosophy but for some reason i keep immersing myself in it check out this site, interesting discussion... http://contradict.motime.com/

I've decided that putting a song as the title or lyrics is a good idea.. so i will do that today we have--
Jack Johnson - Flake

a great thing about a blog is there is no proofreading and revising... i think i have decided that involve a lot of or are based around drinking are dysfunctional, now this may seem obvious to a lot of people but i think it isn't just whether or not the drinking is detrimental to the people but i think the relationship can be dysfunctional and the people involved not really feel negative affects... i guess i've sorta come to the conclusion that when you drink you sorta put yourself in a glossed up world, an unreality and if your relationships with certain people are only in that world then how can you tell if anything about that relationship is real or good at all.  you will know your good relationships when the relationship can lasts or is worth it without slipping into a glossed up world... now all this may seem obvious but it is just really something that occurred to me... it seems as if people that drink a lot end up just having fucked up relationships with everyone around them... ther eis nothing there except the drinking, i've always said that a lot of people have to drink when they hang out cause they just aren't entertaining enough to eachother when they are still in reality... ok i still feel as if i haven't quite captured the thought that i'm thinking...

there is something about running as fast as you can in the dark...

ok i tried to post these earlier and i just realized they weren't here, how strange.... but here are some interesting pictures... http://www.pmbrowser.info/hublog/archives/000778.html , http://www.artofresistance.org/bush_mosaic/ , http://www.artofresistance.org/rumsfeld_mosaic/index.html  and http://www.boingboing.net/2004/04/06/bush_photomosaic_of_.html check them out

multiple times in my psychology class the teachers have said that people see the age they are at as the best age to be at so explain to me why young people want to grow up so bad?

if someone could help explain what the movie that would be helpful... why the blue suit? what was the guys problem (i expect he had the same problem as his gf and the owner of the sex line)? why the accident in the beginning and the piano?  why the weird colors and sounds?  ummm there is more that i wasn't sure about either.

just finished punch-drunk love and i don't believe i followed it very well.... not sure what the problem the guy had... or as i think abuot it the movie in general, i guess i just didn't understand it very well, it was a strange movie... like listening to radiohead, i feel as if there is a lot of meaning in it but i don't quite catch it or can explain it in my head.... i just feel it there, somewhere.

i'm surprised how many people read that bitching... it is a really nice day, finally a little bit like spring.

alright, get ready for some bitching, i had a lot of patience but now i'm about fed up with college and i'm not even there yet.  first i get rejected from my first choice even though i'm practically right on par with all the average test scores and grades at the college.  whatever that is fine... next it turns out practically all the financial aid stuff i sent in was sent in incomplete, so i have to redo all that.  then oberlin sends me my acceptance letter to the wrong address... two weeks later i call them and ask what is upso they send another letter.... of course the second letter they send arrives the exact same day the one sent to the wrong address was sent... so i think finally i will know whether or not i get in, nope.  turns out they put me on the waiting list.... another college i practically on par with.... so the wait could last till june 30th.... and of course for a better chance of getting in you have to send back a card acknowledging you are on the wait list right away, but wait, i didn't even hear about it till two weeks late and you are supposed to send in your most recent grades along with this card but i get the card the first day of spring break so i really don't have any way of getting my newest transcript till next week (another four days).... but then the other college i have been accepted to wants to know whether or not i'm going there by may 1st...  hmm nothing is ever simple....

talking about clothes... i'm trying to get into a cycle of not projecting an image with my clothing but this is harder than you might imagine because people will judge you on your clothes no matter what you wear.  there are not neutral clothes in a highschool.  i don't want to wear something because it is "cool" there is no such thing as "cool", cool is just what our society or media has brainwashed us to like or in some cases caused people to do the opposite in a counter-culture sorta of way but it is all the same.  i want to wear clothes because they are comfortable but at the same time i don't want people saying "hey he is fucking ugly" because clothes do make a difference in  how good you look.  i can't just turn people off at first sight.... so this is a vicious cycle, how do we get out of it?  what is comfortable and neutral?  but then if i am looking for neutral i am still trying to project an image, so what is comfortable and cheap is a better question.  or perhaps i do want to project an image, hjow do i get over that?  sigh clothing is stupid and coolness is just a figment of our imagination....

ok someone explain to me why ice cream can't always be soft... that would be so nice... but no, it most be so hard sometimes that you can't get it out of the container with a spoon and when you try the spoon gets bent in half.  but boy do i love ice cream... i can't resist it.  although i honestly believe a good meal is better than a dessert or candy.  much more "satisfying" and "fulfilling"

ok so things were going pretty shitty and then something great happened.... http://www.songmeanings.net is now back online, this is by far one of the best sites i have ever seen.  check it out.

so ava has a new post that is sorta related to the other one and my other post that was inspired by her http://somedayunderground.blogdrive.com/ she mentions god as fulfilling to people because it is constant which sorta goes along with my theory that people want themselves to last forever... become famous, make a difference, get into heaven, whatever it may be people want to make their lives bigger than their own conscious existence.  so is that how we become fulfilled?  tough to say.  i was thinking about wisdom last night and what exactly it was.  people say wisdom can only come with age so what exactly is it that we can't just learn, that we have to grow into, not information, not behavior (etiquette, manners...) not customs or skills, many people can learn those at all ages.... so being the only thing i could think of about myself that i can't just seem to get a hold on or learn... is happiness and fulfillment, so i believe wisdom is knowing how to approach life... something that isn't passed down between generations, something we learn on our own.  how to live with ourselves and the world around us.... perhaps some people learn this like anything else but from my own experience i see this as something that only comes with age, therefore it is what i believe wisdom is... so this whole part of being something bigger is a sneak peak at wisdom that we start experiencing as teenagers i think, the angst is our struggle to gain wisdom....so i've come to the conclusion that wisdom is what i'm waiting on... not the right person or job.... only time will tell i spose

now is when i write something really emotional

this post was inspired by ava http://somedayunderground.blogdrive.com/  she talks about losing herself in something and that is how you make yourself feel good... by like transceding yourself for something bigger... and i when i thought about that i can see what she was saying but then on the other hand it bugs me when i'm like that... when i have to sort of exit reality to feel good.  it is like drinking if you ask me, ya know, sorta like getting drunk to forget about the world around us for awhile... why can't we be happy doing everyday things... why must we have to be part of something bigger, why can't we be happy knowing this is all there is to life.  there isn't a god that will give us eternal happiness or realize that being famous may be remembered for a few generations but eventually you will be forgotten... or perhaps i just don't understand

so i went to nyc and had a lot of different thoughts while i was there.  first of all american culture is gross... buy buy buy, consume consume consume.... made me sick... secondly what the hell is style and how do you avoid it. just being anti-style is a style within itself.... and i question if some people are anti-everything just because they think it is cool.   also i didn't get into brown, reconfirming the realization that i've wasted teh last 12 years of my life.  parents send your kids to good schools... and all of this leads me to what the hell i'm going to do with my life... right now nothing seems very fulfilling so it seems like i am just going to end up going through the motions just like i did through highschool and never really get anywhere... although i spose that would be my own fault if i didn't make anything of my life but when you don't have anything that you know of to make of your life it is tough to go after it....