it's funny that i just wrote that because my original plan with my blog was to log my thoughts.  I thought that too many times I was repeating the same thoughts and same questions in my head.  If i could remember so many times that i had gone through the same thought process again i was curious how often it happened that i couldnt' remember ( that was a new thought at the time).  I also came to the realization since then, that it was necessary to go through the same thoughts again because at a different time you might add something to those thoughts (and i later discovered i often did).  But a fair amount of thoughts i found i had come to decisive conclusions and it was not necessary to go through them again.  So I created a blog to log the thoughts.  i spose it would've been practical to title the entries so the thoughts would be sortable (a new thought to a repeated process!).  it is sorta ironic that this post is a repeated thought.  although my blog has morphed significantly at times to purely bitching but that can count as thoughts too.  hmm this may be leading to a change in the blog.... perhaps i will also mark when i think a thought it conclusive. this whole process of "thinking out loud" is incredibly easy cause i think just like how I wrote this.  everything is in sentences (although it may not be proper) and i use all the words and everything, saying it in my head exactly how it is here.  it is really weird that i think that way, i think (a lot of i thinks) anyone else do that?

are topics of conversation generally things you've already thought about before because it is rare to have a new thought during conversation or is it some other reason

if i had went to bed an hour and half ago, i would be much happier.... but i didn't.  it is strange...

some people's critical thinking and logic abilities boggle my mind.

isn't it strange how drunk people call random people when they are drunk..... really weird but it seems like everyone does it.

i read an article in the atlantic monthly today about the iran hostage takers. it was inspiring in a way. they were young people that believed in something and acted. although, i don't believe i would've done what they did, nor do i believe it was a good thing necessarily, it was inspiring to read about young people that changed the world. People who honestly believed in change and didn't have alterior motives.... those of us that really believe in a better tomorrow, what will we do to change the world?

i could've died tonight. but i didn't. brakes gave out. at a convenient time rather than... unconvenient.

i sense the depression all around me.  and, i feel it.  i try to take solace in the fact that other people are feeling the same but i can't get it out of my head that there are more people that don't feel the same.  i'm asking myself questions like, "what is democracy when policy doesn't matter?"  "can we really change the world?"  "where will i be next year....?" "how will i retire"  "how is everyone that already couldn't afford their prescription medicines going to make it the next four years?" "will this truly be as catastrophic as it seems?"  I've lost security, it was taken from me in a single day.  I've lost idealism, "how can so many people devote so much time to a good fight and lose?" I've lost hope for a fair world "who will protect these people in love when the law will not?"  I've considered forgetting it all and self-indulging "why not enjoy life if you can't change it?"  Someone on the campaign said to me "you are too young to be jaded" well i wasn't really jaded then but now i'm not to sure.  i've been doing some serious soul-searching this last week and have been trying to avoid admitting that i am depressed.  i can not get politics off my mind and it is seriously depressing. if we don't believe democracy works... what next.  i'm depressed ... what now world?

i like the sciences.... something about truth.

i catch myself asking why way too much.  it should really only be something you ask of your life when youa ren't doing anything else. .... on another thought where has harriene gone?

the reality:

november third people came into our office crying.....  i heard so many stories while i was working on the campaign it is hard to swallow it all.  The older grandmother who gave up buying groceries becuase they could not afford the drugs they need to survive, forced to go to soup kitchens.  these are people that made it through the great depression both world wars and the cold war.... forced to go to soup kitchens just to eat.  or there is the lady that broke down crying on the phone to a complete stranger because her son was leaving for iraq the next day.  or the people that volunteered every day because they had lost their jobs.   or the manufacturing plant within the town I worked in that laid off hundreds of people while i was there. then on november third people came into the office crying.  i will be fine the next four years, it is possible i could get drafted.  it is certainly something in the back of my head.  other than that and the increasing costs of going to college, i will be fine.  but that is not the case for all americans and that is the reality of this election.

from an email i got: Today, many of us are struggling to understand our role in a nation that has just made such a bewildering, painful choice. We are gathering on campuses, at work, with our friends and our family, and asking where is the hope we felt so sure was on the way?

Well, the good news is we don’t have to look far.

Over 20 million of us voted on Tuesday. That’s 4 million more than in 2000, and the highest youth turn out rate since the voting age was lowered to 18. In the 10 most contested battleground states, the voting rate for young people was an astounding 64%. ...

But here’s what really stands out: 18-29 year olds were the only entire age group to support Kerry over Bush. We gave Kerry a 10 point margin of victory, over three times larger than Bush’s margin overall.

So when we ask ourselves, what can we do to help and heal the nation we still so dearly love, the answer is clear: we must lead.
Just before the election, the University of Maryland released a study revealing that 70% of Bush supporters still believe Iraq possessed or was building Weapons of Mass Destruction, and provided substantial support to Al Qaeda. Yet a solid majority of those same Bush supporters agreed that if we knew Iraq had no WMD’s and no connection to Al Qaeda, we should never have invaded.

In El Paso, Texas there is a copper smelting plant ready to open in a poor neighborhood near the University. It is poised to spew 6000 tons of pollution annually and literally poison everyone in the area.

At Temple University in Philadelphia, students pioneered a community wide Get-Out-The-Vote program that helped win the state of Pennsylvania, and their system could make the difference in local and congressional races all over the country.
This is one of many ways that young people can still help shape the honest, caring world we yearn for by using our power at the ballot box – and that is a chance to lead.

On Tuesday we met our challenge and defined our generation. There we can find hope. Now it is time to lead.

I thought it was a very good email and i cut pieces out. the dillemna now is an intersting one. people talk about moving to another country and getting away from the entire problem but it is essential that we don't do that. We must solve the problems we are presented not run from them. eventually things will get bad enough that enough people will vote for something better. it is the pendelum swing. there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

to 21:  it is hard to deal with, but it will only get harder as far as i can tell... this just means there is more work to do than ever now.