so i just finished reading the bell jar.... it is an interesting book.... i found myself thinking during the book that i still have not convinced myself to be happy yet... i try and try to keep occupied with things and think about stuff that i think will give meaning to everything but i keep catching myself in my own lie... i keep realizing that i'm not fulfilled... so then i wonder if being fulfilled is simply not thinking about how happy you are and i just think about it too much... and what the hell does it take to give yourself purpose... and do i need purpose to feel fulfilled?  sometimes i can totally buy into my life and live it but all too often i have lapses were i "see through the bullshit" so i have a really tough time telling what is the bullshit when i don't see it all the time...  which life that i lead is reality and which one is simply a creation of my mind...